What is Sexy?
I’ve been talking a lot about shame. Lately specifically shame and women. Last week I talked about the shame cycle of: do it all, do it perfectly, don’t let them see you struggle and look smokin hot while you are doing it.
I just finished listening to Glennon Doyle Melton’s book Love Warrior for a second time. If you have read any of my blogs post you know I absolutely loved her book. It was raw, honest truth speaking. She shared what most woman would never share. She allowed herself to be seen, giving other women permission to do the same.
This part really stuck out to me and I wanted to share. I think it relates right in line with the shame cycle I’ve been talking about.
Glennon was presented with her little girl that is in kindergarten shimming into the kitchen one hand on hip and other on the back of her head. She strikes several suggestive poses while shouting, “I’m sexy and I know it.” Her other daughter says “Sexy is inappropriate, right mom?”
Glennon’s response, I will have to quote it for you to get the full impact:
Excerpt from Love Warrior:
I look down at my girls’ expectant faces and I remember that there is no right answer. There are only stories to tell. Every day the world tells my girls its story about sexiness and what it means to be a woman. My girls need to hear my story. Not so my story will be theirs, but so they’ll understand that they are free to write their own stories. They need to know that much of what the world presents to them is not truth, it’s poison. And my girls will only be able to detect lies if they know what truth sounds like. I take a deep breath and tell myself to relax. This is just the beginning of a lifelong conversation the three of us will have about womanhood.
I say, “You know, I think sexy is good. It’s just that most people are confused about what it means. Want to know what sexy really means?”
“I think sexy is a grown-up word to describe a person who’s confident that she is already exactly who she was made to be. A sexy woman knows herself and she likes the way she looks, thinks, and feels. She doesn’t try to change to match anybody else. She’s a good friend to herself – kind and patient. And she knows how to use her words to tell people she trusts about what’s going on inside of her – her fears and anger, love, dreams, mistakes, and needs. When she’s angry, she expresses her anger in healthy ways. When she’s joyful, she does the same thing. She doesn’t hide her true self because she is ashamed. She knows she just human – exactly how God made her and that’s good enough. She’ brave enough to be honest and kind enough to accept others when they’re honest. when two people are sexy enough to be brave and kind with each other, that’s love. Sexy is more about how you feel than how you look. Real sexy is letting your true self come out of hiding and find love in safe places. That kind of sexy is good, really good, because we all want and need love more than anything else.
“Fake sexy is different. It’s just more hiding. Real sexy is taking off all your costumes and being yourself. Fake sexy is just wearing another costume. Lots of people are selling fake sexy costumes. Companies know that people want to be sexy so badly because they want love. They know love can’t be sold, so they have big meetings in boardrooms and they say, “How can we convince people to buy our stuff? I know! We’ll promise them that this stuff will make them sexy!” Then they make up with sexy means so they can sell it. Those commercials you see are stories they’ve written to convince us that sexy is the car or mascara or hair spray or diet they are selling. We feel bad, because we don’t have what they have or look how they look. That’s what they want. They want us to feel bad, so we’ll buy more. It almost always works. We buy their stuff and wear it and drive it and shake our hips the way they tell us to – but that doesn’t get us love, because none of that is real sexiness. People are even more hidden underneath fake sexiness, and the one thing you can’t do if you want to be loved is hide. You can’t buy sexy, you have to become sexy through a lifetime of learning to love who God made you to be and learning who God made someone else to be.”
Wow! Think about that for a minute. That was very deep and thought provoking. I just had a conversation with a woman who looks amazing, thin, fit and really just beautiful inside and out. She doesn’t see it. She has a vail of disillusion. She has bought into the fake sexy. It’s as if when she looks in the mirror, she is looking through a filter our world, our society says how we are supposed to look and act has tainted what she sees. I could tell her how beautiful she is, what an amazIng woman she is, but she has to decide to step off the shame cycle. She has to do the work. Bring awareness to what is happening. Choose something different.
When I first listened to Love Warrior, I had this moment. It was powerful for me. All my life I never liked strip clubs. I never liked the thought of how men would look at women as if they were a toy for them. l always felt strip clubs were degrading to woman. Inside I felt like there was something wrong with me feeling that way. I was actually told by a man I respected that I was sexually perverted for feeling the way I felt about strip clubs. I would think other women are ok with their soon to be husbands going off to a strip clubs right before the wedding, I guess it’s it’s just me. After I listened to her book I felt validated; ‘like see Rene’ it’s ok to feel how you feel.’ She put words to how I felt. Looking at real sexy and fake sexy. From that point on, I owned how I felt. It’s as if it shifted from my head to my heart. I’m grateful my daughter has learned the difference between fake sexy and real sexy. It’s a practice because our society and most around us live in fake sexy.
The power and beauty is showing up and being YOU. I love how Glennon says “We Can Be Shiny and Admired or We can be Real, Raw and Loved” I choose real, raw and loved. What about you?
Can you relate to this? Do you have a daughter? What is she learning from our society? Our children watch us and learn from us. It’s starts with ourself.
I see YOU. It’s about unbecoming and rediscovering. Rediscovering the truth of who you are, so you can show up and be seen in all your imperfect beautiful ways.
If you want someone to walk with you on this journey of self-discovery and connect to your true self… I’m here. Reach out to me. I love helping women feel, see and know that who they are MATTERS. This world has a funny way of making us feel small and when we look in the mirror we don’t see the magnificence and awesomeness of who we really are. We all have a story, and our story matters. #youmatter #lovewarrior #togetherisbetter
When you finish reading this post and go about your day, I want you to remember this… When you walk into a room, know that YOU are special, know you mean something to this world, your feelings matter, your story matters and I believe in YOU!